on my way home from mimosas and breakfast for dinner just about an hour ago, i passed these words painted on a stoop and it made me smile. i’m about to attempt to move myself and all of the crap i came with as well as all of the new crap i’ve acquired since i’ve been here in order to schlep them all to another apartment that will probably be within a mile of the space i am currently occupying right now. and i can only hope that in the time i’ve been here that i’ve changed. forward momentum is often a difficult thing to initiate and a general and vague sense of satisfaction and well-being, that feeling of ‘good enough’, is often the worst kind of pressure.

it occurs to me that not everyone may think of change as a good thing - i myself am on the whole contented with the general makeup of my character - but i have become acutely aware of my own shortcomings and weaknesses in the past few years. self-awareness is a thing that you think you have under control but it’s truly a beast that you never really understand. you just come to live with it.

but the hope that i can change and that perhaps that those close to me can come to change with me makes me hopeful about the future. in such uncertain times, with such specific and divisive terms and ideas and convictions floating around all the time (especially on the political front), it makes me hopeful that perhaps we have a chance to abandon some of our prejudices and fears in order to look for those things we have in common, rather than those things that set us apart. if we can change, then the world will change. but if we don’t, then how can we expect that things will ever get any better?

This makes me hungry for Maryland. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to settle for burgers in the park under the sunshine today. Not so bad, all in all.

thingsorganizedneatly:

Allen Hemberger

I have to keep reminding myself of this lately and I’m beginning to think I need to make it a daily mantra. As a bona fide and self-proclaimed procrastinator, I’m starting to think I may need to re-evaluate my time management skills. Lately, or really just today, I’ve been reminded that life is very short and good intentions don’t get you very far. While I am very good at finding happiness in small things everyday, I sometimes forget that the very best rewards sometimes come at the end of long endeavors. One of my favorite lyrics of late is this; “in these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die, where you invest your love, you invest your life” (mumford & sons, awake my soul). And I think I could stand to do a little more investing.

My grandmother, my wonderful rosalie, is almost ninety and she is still as sharp and as patient as ever. To hear her stories and what little I have heard about the life she has lived, it all amazes me. Almost ninety years filled with adventures and moments shared with family and friends and acquaintances. Although I’ve had my fair share of adventures up to now, lately I feel as if I am not actively pursuing them but am simply stumbling upon pleasant moments. But now I am wondering if I need to start moving with more purpose, and I believe if I am to have as much of a rich and full life when I am as many years old as my grandmother, there is no reason not to start today. I want to leave a legacy that I can be proud of and there are so many problems that we face today. I find that I am often paralyzed with a sense of helplessness since my efforts seem so small and insignificant now. But I think if we all aspired to leave a little more love and care in this world than we take from it, I think we can consider our short time on this place a life very well lived.

so sadly, i have been swamped with lots of assignments lately which despite being relatively easy, are beginning to exhaust me in their neverending nature. i’m ready to have time to work on my little pallet project, which so far has been a success. i was able to salvage a consider amount of usable wood and now am in the process of cleaning it up. but in the meantime, i’ll just be dreaming of what it may become…sigh. there’s never enough time to fit what i want to do into what i am supposed to be doing.

…is making something useful out of pallet wood. I am fascinated with the idea of making something beautiful out the things other people throw away. Picked up some pallets today - there is a surprising stash of these things in industrial and small home business places, but next time I must remember to wear some heavy duty gloves. More splinters than I can count, but hopefully it will be worth it. Just finished a tv stand out of wood I bought from home depot and am looking forward to attempting an organizer with free wood this time. I know pulling these boards apart and cleaning them up will probably be ludicrously time-intensive, but hey, there’s some satisfaction in knowing that I saved part of a tree from a certain death, but at least I’m not a part of that demise. Excited, but also afraid of failure. Bring it on.

Something wonderful this way comes.

So, I pulled a lady gaga this weekend and lost my phone, camera, and my sunday due to a dancing-related incident, mainly somehow I ended up at my first strip club, albeit unintentionally. Interestingly enough, I was dragged there by two girls in a cab who I had never met before. While most of this I would like not to have happened, I am pretty sure I’m glad that I remember what went down, because it’s serving as kind of a catalyst. Sure, I lost my stuff, and clearly my mind, for a night but it’s caused that little guy in the back of my head to freak out a little and he has quite convincingly persuaded me to stop drinking for a month while I get my shit together. And while yes, this was an alcohol-fueled affair, it was not alcohol-driven. I’ve just noticed that alcohol has been a handy little distraction that’s only enabled the procrastinating, unproductive me to flourish.

And life is too short to be left with empty days where all I’ve done is taken from the world and those around me. My entire philosophy has always been about leaving this world a better place, but I am paralyzed by the fear that what I do won’t matter, that it won’t be enough. But I’m tired of consuming without consideration, mindlessly letting days pass without a thoughtful moment, acquiring experience without creating any myself. Time to stop being afraid to try.

…all great things will pass you by.

And Man created the plastic bag and the tin and aluminum can and the cellophane wrapper and the paper plate, and this was good because Man could then take his automobile and buy all his food in one place and He could save that which was good to eat in the refrigerator and throw away that which had no further use.  And soon the earth was covered with plastic bags and aluminum cans and paper plates and disposable bottles and there was nowhere to sit down or walk, and Man shook his head and cried:  ”Look at this Godawful mess.”  

~Art Buchwald, 1970

how i’m feeling today.